Shipwreck,2025

Back in time, without saying a word, I sensed how the air got too thick to breathe as soon as I entered the room you were in. There was this wave of stored and packed away emotion taking over, too quick for me to get enough air sent to my cerebral cortex. I felt this unexpressable flood washing over me, which made me unable to speak, think clearly, floating in thick air and hasty water, an immediate shut-down.

"Thats not who I am" I felt covered in white feathers, that arent allowed to get muddied, wanted to make sure you knew, but instead I said: "How are you?" I was wondering if its me alone in a vacuum, this space-time continuum sensing this unusual load of urgency and impact I couldnt understand.

I tried to pretend to be one of those who need something from you, cause I observed them connecting to you through asking for favors. But even in drowning, I would not like to ask for help, was too proud of my own indenpendent wing span and wouldn’t want to need a thing. I fell out of my element, in being too deep in it, lost touch of being human and still did I wanted to try to need you since it seemed to help me to get a glimpse of you.

This acting out of my character made me wonder who I was becoming and if I get swept away even more when I stay in this ship. I felt like hiding first, without ever being able to, deeply aware that there was no true need there, not even for your validation and the conclusion came to me, that you might hated the role you played too, but it was so well programmed into, making you seem like you aren't even human, not once gasping for air, no need for hydration, always presentable, neverending function.

In all this loss of air and water streaming into the captain's cabin , I was out of myself. I was survival, I was in flight. The truest version of me wanted to let you know, that I would never need you to be something else, something bigger, something shinier than you are, I didnt needed you, but desired to know your truth, wanted you for you without you having to lose anything. Instead of taking, I tried to hand you a glimpse of the freedom I wanted to share, but I had none at this point.

Through this loss of humanness and theatrical scenery, I saw the wreck of me in your eyes, after all those years of pride that I haven't met anyone that could move me, you in this stateroom with me and other drained students between stuck air and unbending waves could be the one holding the power to wreck me. Something I would never have admitted. Something I never was able to speak out loudly. And I couldnt even fight it, which made it even scarier. There was no worry about you being able to wreck me through dysfunction or harmful behavior, but through the glimpse of love I saw hidden, tucked away, pushed down, glistening so blinding that it scared me. This light that was stored, reserved somewhere in a realm I could but also could never reach. My lungs gave up on this the closer I would get to the ground of the ship to salvage us. I dont give hate any say in my world, don't have room for abuse, there is no power given away to what doesnt align… but this raw love, too real to express, I believed would have become the end of me.

Since its the truest form I would ever know, entering my being even in resistance, I swallow and swallow water and air again without words I can share or a choice I can make and it felt too real, felt harsh and quick, not because we moved, but our surroundings did.
I was a coward even though you thought I was brave and instead of going deeper I went back to the surface, to find air, to find space which costed me to know what the marine salvage would have resulted in. I was running and hiding, stumbling over my own fear, leaving you behind without wanting to. There was too much of this love, more than I could hold in the beaten ribcage of mine.

The intensity made me wonder, made me cutting, made me sabotage, made me question, made me fly up the shore and higher into the stratosphere as fast as I could. Looking back I know I wasn't ready to get uncomfortable, wasnt open to feel this either.

I am different now, but would this matter?
I am aware that this is what fearful avoidance did to me.
I have changed and am over my own escapism, now letting myself dive without fearing that I might never reach the ground or cannot come back up again, letting the flow take me, trusting love more, accepting its abrasion, surrendering... that might never change the memory of us, but maybe the now and the ahead.

I came back to the shipwreck today, we are not to be found there anymore, no one knows that we were part of it. Since I couldnt find you, I believe you left as well and I can only be proud of you for it. Nothing left of us only broken wood soaked in water, rotten and covered in algae.

It was a dynamic, pressing us both down, I wouldnt blame you nor me for the sinking, knowing its not mine nor your responsibility alone. I sure take whats on me, can clearly see that I am human after all shapeshifting, hold a part in it that could have maybe changed its course and still cannot be obligated into being the engine of the ship that cannot hold what we are, nor will I be another kind of machinery for anyone to fit into a fabricated numbed down world.

And with my free will of wanting to stay pure and soft, vulnerable in each immersion, the truest form of me I can be, despite being mocked for my emotions, flaws and human nature, it got illuminated that this will always be what true freedom is. And in having it, I can now hand it out securely, without fearing that the best parts shared might crush or flood me again.

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3 SELECTED SIGNS AND SYMBOLS

white feathers - ‘cowardice’ since the 18th century (in the UK, British Empire)
In modern spiritual beliefs -’protection’ and ‘guidance’

ear - channels, an entry point of information which gets confined underwater.

white birds - purity, fate, vulnerability, peace, new beginning